Stop Performing for Applause That Was Never Meant for You
If you need a moment of silence after social events just to remember who you actually are, this is for you.
Look at your friend group. Do you get to be yourself with them, or do you find yourself performing? The people in your circle should celebrate who you ARE, not who you pretend to be. Choose your people wisely - they’re shaping who you’re becoming.
Stop performing for applause that was never meant for you.
I’ve been performing my entire life.
It started in 4th grade when the “cool kids” called me “teacher’s pet” and made fun of my pale skin and glasses. That little girl decided right then and there: I’ll become whoever they want me to be if it means they’ll accept me.
So I molded myself to fit in. Started smoking, skipping school, having sex far before I should have even known what those things were. All for the applause of kids who were never meant to determine my worth.
By 15, I was pregnant.
You’d think that would have been my wake-up call. And in some ways, it was - I realized I needed to choose better friends. But instead of learning to be myself, I just got better at performing. I had multiple friend groups who were all completely different, and I became a chameleon, molding myself to fit whoever I was hanging out with that day.
The church friends got the “good Christian girl” version of me.
The party friends got the “wild and fun” version.
The mom friends got the “responsible parent” version.
I was always performing, never just being.
When I moved back from North Carolina at 20, the pattern continued. My ex-husband and I made friends with so many different groups - none of whom would hang out together because they were all so different. And me? I was different with each one, shape-shifting to earn their acceptance.
Then I got into banking, and the performance became my profession.
We were literally trained to “mold our personalities” to whatever the client needed. Some days I’d meet with over 20 different people, becoming a different version of myself for each one to earn their trust and business.
I remember joking with coworkers that we had to go home and take baths in the dark with candles just to decompress and remember who we actually were. After a day of changing personalities so much, we’d literally forgotten ourselves.
When I transitioned to mortgage lending, it got worse. Part of my job was attending local events to network with real estate agents. In an area with 400+ agents, I continued the same exhausting pattern - molding myself to fit with each one to earn their trust, friendship, and business.
This is when my drinking escalated. The mortgage industry is stressful enough, but there are also constant networking events and social gatherings. And if I’m being completely honest, all this performing was exhausting. I knew it. I hated it. But I kept doing it anyway because that’s how I made money.
I was getting applause - from clients, from agents, from friends, from bosses. But it was applause for versions of me that weren’t even real.
August 19th, 2022 changed everything.
After that rock-bottom night when I drove drunk with my kids and raged in front of them, I realized something profound: I had spent 30 years performing for applause that was never meant for me.
Those 4th grade “cool kids”? Their opinion was never supposed to define my worth.
Those clients and real estate agents? Their approval was never meant to be my identity.
All those different friend groups? Their acceptance was never supposed to require me to disappear.
The applause I was desperately seeking from everyone else was drowning out the only voice that actually mattered - God’s voice telling me I was already enough, already worthy, already loved exactly as He created me.
After my awakening, I made one of the most profound decisions of my life: I would only allow people proximity to me who shared my faith, my values, and my commitment to authenticity.
I have a very small circle of friends now - women who love God, who are driven by purpose, who show up as themselves and encourage me to do the same. You know that saying, “Show me your friend group and I’ll tell you your future”? It’s absolutely true. Your friends are a huge part of who you become.
For the first time in my life, I don’t have to perform for their applause. I can just be Pam - the real one, not the version I think they want to see.
Here’s what I learned: When you stop performing for applause that was never meant for you, you finally get to hear the applause that was always meant for you - God’s delight in who He created you to be.
If you’re exhausted from being different versions of yourself for different people, maybe it’s time to ask: whose applause are you really performing for? And more importantly - what would happen if you stopped?